Existential Adventures of Crazy man and the Dog, Sidestepper

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Wherein Crazy Man decides to rediscover “this outside thing” that he’s long since forgotten, having spent gawd knows how long under his bed crying and drinking wine.

He immediately meets a dog walking sideways on stilt-like legs. The dog, Sidestepper, mistakes Crazy Man for his long lost mother but quickly realizes that’s he's just another insensitive bastard in a world of insensitive bastards.

But the two become companions and travel the path of adventure and new meanings together.

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, find a couch on the path of adventure and new meanings and have a long anguished cry or two because they’re hungry and motherless and nothing seems to make sense.

If you have issues with dogs and men crying, you might want to pass on this episode. Three people who intended to read this but didn't still development symptoms of having read it. 

That's why I'm leaving it up to you. 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, bare their souls in unrequited empathy, only to face the horror of the worm roots from hell. 

If you don’t read this episode no one will shame you. Well, some will. But some won’t. Those will be in the minority. A very small minority. But…feel free to wimp out. No hard feelings. 

You bastard.

Wherein the two travellers confront the horror of non-vegan wildlife in the deep dark winter, Crazy Man has crazy thoughts about the dog, Stepper, and the two are deeply disturbed by a gift from the heavens.

Scenes in this episode may be disturbing for those who don’t put ketchup on their KD. 

The way it should be eaten. 

Wherein our two strange travelers encounter “that which you fear” and come uncomfortably close to “the dreaded truth.” 

But…the universe laughs for exactly three minutes and twenty-two seconds. 

Or so the story goes. 

Wherein our two hungry and motherless travelers are thoroughly mooned in an extraordinary moment of celestial madness. 

Wherein our hungry, motherless travelers confront the crusty one-legged ducks of the far-away lake that’s not really a lake. 

Much discussion ensues on the edibility of ducks and the devouring of new meanings.

Wherein our angst-weary travellers face almost certain death falling into the trench to hell with nothing to save them but a rusty nail…or…face certain death in the deep dark scary woods.

If you’re afraid of heights, bridges or gerbils, for God’s sake don’t click the download button below.

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn the true meaning of flower power and discover that dandelions are not just pretty yellow lawn ornaments. 

And Crazy Man has some terrible thoughts. 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the being that has compacted all language into one word and causes a painful experience for Crazy Man.  

NOTE: No wild life was harmed emotionally, spiritually or physically in the writing of this episode. At least, not in this dimension. 

Wherein the path-traveling duo stumble into a path scarier even than the deep dark scary woods, a path haunted by the spaces between things. 

WARNING: Some antics in this episode my be unsettling for those with normal minds. Proceed with caution. Or just close your eyes and just press a bunch of buttons and stuff on your keyboard. Works for me. 

Wherein man and dog, in spite of everything that points to their unlikeliness as bonafide man and dog, are suddenly thrust off the path of adventure and new meanings and into the streets to face the essence of disappointment. 

This genuine gutter adventure may not be appropriate for any audience. 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, encounter a lake that flows up and the meanest birds a hungry, motherless duo can bear.

(NOTE: No geese were consumed in the writing of this episode. Unfortunately.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet a bench in a clearing where the grass isn’t going to take it anymore. 

They also learn the truth about turkeys. 

(NOTE: No turkeys were consumed in the writing of this episode. Unfortunately.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, encounter a somewhat ghostly apparition on the path…or was it?

(NOTE: No clown imagery was used in the telling of this episode. You can sleep in peace. If that’s what you do when there are no clowns around.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, are stumped by a story of unnatural feelings and their heartbreaking Karma. 

(NOTE: No trees were cut down in the telling of this story. Because we all love trees. Even the ones in the deep dark scary…well, trees.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, stumble upon the House of Many Species and Variables and learn about the need to sustain.

(NOTE: Yep. The tree house was toppled in real life. But no moose were harmed in its toppling.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get into a power struggle of sorts which is settled by big birds. 

(NOTE: Many trees were felled in the making of the accompanying photo.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn that it’s better to be good.

(NOTE: No toadstools were massacred in the telling of this tale. Sort of.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, have some laughs with a waterfall and its secret desire. 

(NOTE: If you can’t laugh at the world, then laugh at something else.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, encounter the forest that hides the big blue/green so that man and dog don’t go out of their minds.

(NOTE: Sometimes the world isn’t trying to kill you.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, encounter the tears of the planet.

(NOTE: No horse fish, dolphins or mermaids are mentioned in the telling of this story. But I’ll bet someone thought about them…somewhere…when the story was told.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, find many hours of pure joyous oblivion while not listening. 

(NOTE: This one goes out to every abandoned pier, dock and wharf. May the boats be with you.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the Queen of Every Sandcastle and learn about how tides are party poopers.

(WARNING: Magic alert.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, bathe in the full moon light.

(NOTE: No celestial beings were actually eaten by clouds in the telling of this tale.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, witness the end of the beginning of the end.

(NOTE: Maybe someday the world will be green again. Except where it’s supposed to be blue. Or brown.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn about a mysterious place called Eggland.

(NOTE: Apparently, some people do it in the street.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn about humor…with a banana.

(NOTE: This goes out to all those unfortunate people who stepped on banana peels and never quite got over it.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn how to compose a picture.

(NOTE: No photographers were harmed in the telling of this story. At least, none that we know of.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, star in Once Upon A Lupin and the Insidious True Story About Bees

(NOTE: No bees were murdered in the writing of this story. We couldn’t find one.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn the shocking truth about the two towers

(NOTE: Never climb a high tower without a pocket full of tinfoil.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the lizard who wants it all.

(WARNING: Reptile alert for those with unreasonable expectations of the natural world.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, make contact with the flowers of the one window ledge.

(NOTE: The botanical accuracy of this story is currently the subject of an investigation into reality. Possibly.)

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, botch a conversation the world was waiting for.

(OBSERVATION: When the sky is confused, confusion will reign.)

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get into a sticky situation with a random arachnid.

(WARNING: Very disturbing spider scenes. But no spiders were harmed and no houses were burned down.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, choose to take the long and sure way around. 

(NOTE: Never listen to the lake when the fish are jumping.)

Where in Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, swim against the current tide. 

(NOTE: People with cell phones beware. There’s this place with no reception.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, discover the timeless times-up of art.

(DANGER: This episode may contain something to think about. Don’t let that happen to you.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the flower that, apparently, never was.

(WARNING: This episode may include disturbing rhetoric that could be attributed to a world of confusion.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, comfort a sad tree before the wind has its final say

(NOTE: This story may be just a little bit long winded. Stop reading when you begin to snore. Oh, right, I guess you will have stopped reading at that point. Bastard.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, actually have something to crow about…but would never dare…considering…

(NOTE: No mole recipes were actually given away in this story. Everyone knows that these recipes are best kept secret.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, converse with a bold moon on the rise. Or not.

(NOTE: No one danced naked in the full moon light in this episode. Sorry.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get the prickly lowdown on…stuff.

(NOTE: Beware ye of spine tingling-ness. Beware.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get a thoroughly unsatisfying ribbing

(NOTE: Much sadness follows much happiness follows confusion. As usual.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, are thoroughly needled by, of all things, a needle

(NOTE: I’m sorry. It’s just the way the path went.)

Wherein Crazy Man learns what it’s like to be alone…if things would just leave him alone

(NOTE: I’m still sorry. It’s just the way the path went.) 

Wherein Crazy Man meets an old acquaintance who repeats their previous encounter. Unfortunately. 

(WARNING: Don’t read if you fear random acts of stuff. )

Wherein Crazy Man encounters a Halloween not-so-treat

(WARNING: Do not read if you have pumpkin seed allergies. My head fell off. )

  Wherein Crazy Man meets the one who waits.

(NOTE: No birds were killed in this episode. By humans.)

Wherein Crazy Man has an unsettling experience. Again.

(NOTE: If you’re afraid of the dark. Beer. )

Wherein Crazy Man might make an unlikely friend. 

(NOTE: Those addicted to shopping, bring tear tissues. )

Wherein Crazy Man gets up to his shoulders in a life-threatening situation. 

(NOTE: Swamp grass is OK. I think. )

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, Wheels, have a more than colorful experience.

(WARNING: Episode may contain physics.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, Wheels, learn about political correctness. To the hilt.

(WARNING: You may be offended. I was.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, Wheels, learn how to spread shit.

(WARNING: Offensive content that might make you laugh.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, Wheels, watch the fallen fall further and faster.

(NOTE: This episode may contain weak science.) 

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, behold the twistedness of things to come.

(NOTE: In case you didn’t notice, This is Episode 57. I missed that. But I got it.) 

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, come to that place beyond the place.

(NOTE: Never hold a broken tree limb upside down. Not ever.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the shopping cart, Wheels, are granted wishes.

(NOTE: What would you wish for if you were a shopping cart?)

Wherein Crazy Man floats on water.

(NOTE: Every story has a sequel.)

Wherein Crazy and the dog, Sidestepper have a morbid start to their reunion

(NOTE: Be careful where you jig.)

Wherein Crazy and the dog, Sidestepper, face the irrefutable truth about a dog’s mother.

(NOTE: Be careful about what you squash.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn the sad truth about wishes

(NOTE: Dandelions make great wine.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get burned.

(NOTE: Don't play with fire.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, get some of their own given to them

(NOTE: Money does not grow on trees.)! 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, avoid an avalanche. 

WARNING: Don't throw rocks. 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, enter the cavern that is not a tavern.

(NOTE: Bad poetry should be kept to oneself.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the first horror in the cavern that is not a tavern

(NOTE: Sometimes size matters.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn the yin-yang of dripping.

(NOTE: Nobody wants to be a drip.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, speak to piles of rocks.

(WARNING: Crazy Man wants dynamite for the cairns.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, see the light.

(NOTE: Let the light shine a little little light on you.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, have a great fall.

(NOTE: Drenched in another’s empathy.) 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn the truth about roots.

(NOTE: World domination is never as powerful as fate.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn about vertical parallel symmetry.

(NOTE: Trees and horizontal don’t mix.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the crate that’s  become a chair.

(NOTE: When the moon goes missing.)

 Wherein Crazy Man and the Dog, Sidestepper, meet the wild-eyed beaver.

NOTE: Beavers are terrified of dragons. 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the sandal from the one-legged kid.

(NOTE: Every kid should have two sandals.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the climbing reflection.

(QUESTION: Which tastes better, the burp or the burger.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the shape.

(SAGE ADVICE: Always have quick access to Snakes & Ladders.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, take the path of least resistance.

(SAGE ADVICE: Always have quick access to Snakes & Ladders.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the almost lost.

(Thought: Where will you go when it’s time to go?)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, confront the boughs

(NOTE: Don't get knotted up reading this.)

  Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the pelican. Again.

(A THOUGHT: Where the pelican flies.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, try relaxing beside the bubbling stream.

(BEWARE: The bubbling stream.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, are celebrated, strangely. And lie.

(BEWARE: Don’t play with fireworks in the bathtub.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the lost ragdoll.

(NOTE: When the chips are down, hold on to your stuffing.)

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, trade luck with a deadly lady bug.
 

(BEWARE: Just because it’s a pretty bug doesn’t mean it’s a pretty bug.) 

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the Museum for the Future.
 

(NOTE: Those who save, get to ride.) 

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the meditating fire hydrant.
 

(NOTE: Some fire hydrants are useful. Some…?) 

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the last standing tree and the last street lamp guards of the park that no one visits.
 

(NOTE: Trees have long life spans) 

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the patch of plants that snores.
 

(NOTE: Nobody needs a bad picture of themselves.) 

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the thought clot.

(BEWARE: Chandeliers and long-beaked birds.)

 Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the censor boards.

(WARNING: When the coin falls beware the edge.)

  Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the colony of wooden posts.

(READ: The Design of Everyday Things.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the Dawn of a New Day.

 (NOTE: Things to do without a plan.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, succumb to hot dog madness.

 (AWW: Where did all the hot dog stands go?)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, meet the floating cat head.

 (NOTE: Cats read minds. Some cats. Sometimes.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, almost become one with the tide.

 (NOTE: Always check the tides.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, learn a few things about garbage.

(WARNING: Think of the Earth as a container.)

Wherein Crazy Man and the dog, Sidestepper, enter the Fallen Empire of This Garden.

(WARNING: Watch out for frivolous gardens.)